KNOWING YOUR WORTH AND CLASSIC CARS:
"Knowing your worth takes a lot of inner work."
*Setting clear boundaries is first on the list, because as you know you teach people how to treat you.
*Self love and 'knowing' you are worth investing in is another biggy. Practise this daily by taking care of you, and treating your mind, body and soul with respect.
*Having a deep awareness that if things aren't sitting right with you, it's only up to you to change it and do the work... it's not anyone else's job other than your own.
*'Do the work and create the change you want to live with.'
I came up with the 'classic car example' after seeing many relationships hit the fan and came to the conclusion... it is about seeing yourself and your partner as an investment.
*My awareness and action to change from seeing this play out is knowing what I don't want my future to look like:
So I plan to work tirelessly every day on investing in myself so I am not co-dependant or relying on my other 'whole' (not half) to determine my worth.. and I hope he will do the same for himself, from there we will only add to each others worth.
I'll explain that below.
"What is investing?"
Uncle google is sort of not getting the point here today but i'll get to my point on a longer route:
"Put (money) into financial schemes, shares, property, or a commercial venture with the expectation of achieving a profit."
So... If we add in, time, effort, love and energy as well as money... and change the material investments to 'you' then we will get the idea of what investing really is.
*Put 'money' into 'you' with the expectation of achieving a profit.
*Put 'time' into 'you' with the expectation of achieving a profit.
*Put 'effort' into 'you' with the expectation of achieving a profit.
*Put 'love' into 'you' with the expectation of achieving a profit.
*Put 'energy' into 'you' with the expectation of achieving a profit.
*Knowing your worthy enough to invest in yourself... this is how you know your worth and this is how you will increase your asset.
Do this for you...
*If you are part of a team, and you want the best for your team/ partner/ family/friends... 'make sure you are it!'
'THE CLASSIC CAR EXAMPLE:
Ok, so there are two types of older men tinkering in their garage, both early on in their life they 'invested' in a classic car..
A '68 Fastback Ford Mustang' if we're going to nerd out over classic cars... they both have the same car in their garage.
-One takes it out and enjoys it, treats it like a lady. Polishes it, spends time with it, invests in new tyres, makes sure she's serviced and maintained... he makes a conscious effort to notice her every day, appreciates his investment. He sees her worth and sees her beauty as she matures like a fine wine over the years.
-The other focuses on work only, he forgets she's there because he's too tired to notice. She becomes a burden and a memory of a good investment. Doesn't try and turn her on... She sits in the garage collecting dust, 'i'll get around to working on her some day.' He likes the idea of having a car, but he's in love with a memory and has no idea of the potential that car could have or what it would be worth if he'd done the work.
"Who's car do you believe would be worth the most?" The one who's car looks better than the day he brought it, or the one who's car has been left alone and shown no love?
Now.. this is what can happen to a woman or your partner in a marriage or your children if you don't make the time to invest in your classic car.
For me personally: I want two classic cars parked in my garage when I am 100, if there's only one and that's me.. that is fine by me. She's going to drive like a song, and be worth a mint because investing in yourself NOW daily and knowing your worth is the car 'key'.
If you have something valuable, cherish it!
If your person is your rock, see a diamond... even if they are under pressure, even if they've lost their sparkle over time... don't let anything you care about devalue because you forget it exists and take it for granted.
"Don't live like tomorrow is promised."
Make sure every day you know your worth and your counterpart if you have one, understands that they are your most valuable asset. Treasure them. Hold on to them.
Never run a classic car into the ground. But also if he's spending more time on that bloody car than you, go sit on it like you did when you were in your 20s (the car you grub) and remind him of your worth.
To book your lifechanging session: www.lifedesignernz.com
68 fastback ford mustang - owned by Steve McQueen
(The king of Cool.)
People are complex beings... and this is life.
Understanding that people don't, can't and won't ever see through your eyes is a profound notion to connecting with others and communicating effectively. We have 5 senses yet these days rely on our words more often than not to communicate.
Trouble often brews when we can't understand why someone would act in a certain way, because that's not how we would act in that situation. We then take offence to this behaviour, not considering the reasoning behind this reaction has nothing to do with us. Often the person acting a certain way doesn't understand why the nerve has been hit, and reacts rather than questions his own triggers.
Knowing that peoples behaviour and what we see is just the 'tip of the iceberg,' we can then come from a place of compassion rather than on the defence to a reaction. Trying to understand each other better would be more beneficial to any relationship, than calling someone crazy, or stupid because their behaviour doesn't make sense to 'you'.
Words are often misconstrued. Each persons measure or understanding of a particular word will be comprised from their own personal experience and relation to a word.
'Hot' or 'cold' for example means something different to everyone, especially if someone had literally been burned, they may associate the word 'hot' with fear, anxiety or pain. 'Love' and most words can do the same, because everyone's measure is uniquely taken from their personal experience. Yet we go around using words without considering their effect. Coaching has really changed the way I speak, not only to others but also to myself. If your thoughts can change your behaviour... then I can make changes to the way I react by changing my way of thinking.
Each persons measure of what a word means can differ, so in a conversation where you are confused if someone is on the same page, just ask! So... 'Just to clarify, what does that word mean to you?.' I can guarantee the answer will surprise you, and you may have a profound revelation to unblock future issues moving forward. Finding out what a certain 'word' means to another person is a good place to start.
People often don't ask these sorts of questions, but since I've become a Life Coach, I've been like a kid again asking questions to question everything and find out the answers. From there I have been building better connections, and having more meaningful conversations other than 'how are you? or 'isn't the weather nice?,' which doesn't negate deep insight or allow someone to really get to know you.
One of the first things I learned as a Life Coach which I nerd out over is
'The Iceberg Theory.' The Sigmund Freud Theory goes deeper than the picture above, with the top level as behaviour being your 'conscious mind', just under the surface is the 'subconscious mind' and all of the stuff simmering away under the surface waiting to be brought up with an argument or disagreement when someone pokes the bear is the 'unconscious mind.' This is the part people don't see or don't even know about our selves.
I like the simplistic version because I can draw this on a serviette anywhere if I'm out and about!
So my thoughts on this are; If you realise that what we see when we have a conversation with anyone, is only 10% of someones true self through their behaviour, we should cut them some slack because we actually can't see what we think we are entitled to have an opinion on. There is a lot of festering stuff under the surface which is dictating that reaction. Sometimes we don't even know why we react in certain ways to things. These could have stemmed from subconsciously taking in information from social media, childhood traumas, things we've seen but buried deep etc.
So question everything and just know that everyone is different, and what we see isn't always true. It's our truth, which may not align with someone else's truth. If someone is going off their nut, come at them with compassion. Asking questions to find answers, rather than reacting to the 10% that isn't the full truth.
A good place to start to find out about your own 90%, triggers, values, beliefs, thoughts and things we didn't know we lived by that no longer serve us... and what makes us tick.
I use hypnosis, subliminal messages and meditation to clear the mind and focus. I write down my thoughts. If something is upsetting me, I question my own thoughts and coach myself to find a solution. I question everything about why I am thinking what I'm thinking. Because first comes awareness, then comes change. And you can't change what you don't acknowledge.
If you are having reoccurring arguments in relationships, asking the person 'what does this word mean to you?' and really listening, instead of matching their energy or behaviour will deepen your connection and open things up to better communication.
If you would like some movement in your life, with reoccurring behavioural patterns, please do get in touch. That's what I'm here for!
It has taken me a long time to feel comfortable to write this, but I feel it's time to speak up about this topic in aid to help others.
Narcissistic personality disorder often goes untested... Because how do you get someone who is outwardly showing the world that they are amazing, to see a doctor? "There's nothing wrong with me, you are the crazy one," is often one of their best lines. Self awareness does not exist within this disorder. This is why there are so many people with NPD out there, and many victims silently feeling the brunt of their condition.
Narcissistic abuse is abuse. It's literally one of the worst types of abuse, as visually to the world, there is nothing wrong... that's the hardest part. The victim is left questioning their self worth, feeling like they are not good enough and questioning themselves because, 'if someone is treating me this way, heck it must be my fault right?' The ongoing effects for victims of this type of abuse can be catastrophic. I would put money on suicide victims falling at the sword of many narcissists and to the grave they'd still no feel remorse because they didn't tie the noose.
Narcissists are calculated predators who relish in stamping out light. They can not have normal relationships with people. They should not have children, as they are not capable of showing love for anyone other than themselves, and the child may not recover. Because they can't feel or show love, no one else deserves happiness either.
Narcissistic abuse often goes undetected for years, as the victim is someone who will usually be able to see things coming a mile away. Strong, confident people. Narcissists are drawn to people who love life and can see the best in people. This is a hard pill to swallow, and is where the confusion sets in for the victim. How could I not have seen this coming? I've lived with this person for years? They are supposed to love me? Everyone else thinks they are amazing so they must be? What did I do wrong? You can't reason with a Narcissist. I repeat: YOU CAN'T REASON WITH A NARCISSIST.
It's a subtle abuse that eats away on someones good will, and creates serious confusion to the person who is in the path of a narcissist. The person going through this, at the time is often completely unaware this mental trickery is even happening. But slowly over time they start to question how someone who is meant to love them can be so cruel and hurtful with no accountability and even question (as good people do) what could I have done to deserve this.
The narcissist walks away as if there is no problem with their behaviour, they are incredible actors and they play the victim role everytime so incredibly well! It is extremely hard to get away from a Narcissist so please don't beat yourself up about it.
They suck the light out of the good in the world because it's impossible for them to change. They attract people who see good in everyone, and that's how they feel they are winning. They feel best when they are bringing someone down.
NPD can effect anyone with any background, any age, sex, race. They don't look unhappy. They don't show the world their bad sides, (which is every side...) they save that for their victims. Quietly, calculated and unapologetically.
Here are a list of common traits of a person with NPD:
-Narcissists do not change: NPD is more than emotional abuse.
-Nothing will ever be their fault.
-Blame their lack of success on others.
-Acts differently in public than in private.
-Arrogant, acts superior.
-Believes their own lies, and will lie to your face.
-Can't show love.
-Provoke people, then blame them.
-Never admit their mistakes.
-No healthy communication.
-Likes to yell.
-Don't keep friends- always having falling outs/misunderstandings.
-Their children or family don't want anything to do with them.
-Inept at basic manners.
-Unrealistic expectations on others.
-Never takes responsibility or the blame.
If you are in a relationship with a person with NPD, you must get away from them. These people are not able to have a balanced loving relationship with you because they can only love themselves. If you have a family member who has NPD, keep strong boundaries in place, keep them at arms length and understand the more power you give them, the more they have access to your power. They will drain you.
Also don't feel guilty if you can't keep them in your life. If they cross those boundaries (which they will, then make you out to be the bad guy,) distancing yourself is the only real option. It is not your fault that this decision has been put upon you. You are a good person, please remember that! If someone doesn't want the best for you, you don't need to allow that person in, or back in if they keep knocking at your door.
You are the victim, not them.
If you are a victim of NPD, or are in a relationship with someone with NPD and need help to move on, please do reach out for a session. I can help.
Today's blog is about self talk and retraining your mind.
A healthy mind can create a healthy balanced life.
Our mind is like a sponge. It absorbs so much consciously and subconsciously and is constantly working to decipher the truth for us. We are in a world where we are consistently engaged, our truth is always being tested, our mind is active and it's becoming more difficult to switch off from the exterior noise.. where we can get inside our own heads.
For me personally, I consciously avoid a lot of outside noise, and work hard on a daily basis to only fill my time and mind with things that benefit my health.
'Your mind will always believe everything you tell it. Feed your mind with faith, truth and love.'
Self talk is one major thing I have had to work on over the years, stemming from not feeling enough, giving my power away, being an empath and allowing other peoples thoughts to have an impact on my way of thinking. It's been a long journey realising I am a pretty good egg, and that if someone is going to recognise my worth, I need to see myself as a good investment, know my own worth and become invaluable.
So I've made some changes to the way I speak to myself, which in turn has changed the way I feel about myself and the way I see myself. Therefore bringing in amazing people into my life who see my value, enhance my life and overall health by creating good experiences.
I speak to myself like I am my own best friend. Each morning, I look at myself in the mirror and instead of looking at the flaws that make me me, I don't allow my thoughts of not enoughness to creep in. I say 3 things to myself that are true... 'you are an honest person, so be honest to yourself. You are a kind person, so be kind to yourself. You are a giving person, so be giving to yourself.' Then I start my day with a mindset of enoughness, and not a lot can get in the way of a woman on a mission who has a self worth and self respect!
Speaking to yourself like you are your own best friend, giving yourself a pep talk, and speaking with kindness is a good morning ritual whilst brushing your teeth. If your mind can believe anything, speak honestly to yourself and be the person others see you as.
Listen to more inspiring things that align with self love, watch and read better (food for the mind) and stop being so jolly hard on yourself! You will never have this exact moment in time again, so don't waste it thinking you are not enough.
You are more than enough.
Hi beautiful people,
Here are my thoughts for the day... I'm not 100% sure where this ones going, but here goes. Blog 2:
So a friend had told me (at an actual dinner date where we ate food and talked like normies) about 'The social dilemma' on Netflix.
Although I had a rough idea of what social media was like, having platforms for work and personal use, some things certainly blew my mind... I didn't realise quite how intensely i'd been sucked into this unhealthy way of life until I looked back on how life use to be.
Don't get me wrong, I'm writing this on a computer, and technology as a tool is pretty epic, but I do have a few thoughts brewing from what i've just seen, and I plan to make some changes to start weaning myself off social media.
If you haven't watched it yet, it's definitely worth a watch.
To be fair, over the last few years I have deleted a lot of things off facebook, unfollowed pages, people and things that I didn't want to engage with. I was aware of the way social media was making me feel, and I didn't like it. I now use messenger more to call and connect with friends than scroll mindlessly. I use pinterest for recipes, design and renovation work, inspiration for my clients for @missdomstyling, inspirational quotes for #Lifedesignernz and to make me feel inspired. I post briefly on instagram rather than scroll through and see everything and engage like I used to. I've also limited my tv time to programmes I really want to watch rather than episode after episode of Netflix, and I don't spend very long on emails these days. I have cut right back.
....I sound like an addict justifying only having a sip... but I have made the best of a bad situation, knowing social media is in our lives!
My job in the beauty industry has always been to create flawless makeup and beautiful hair for my models and clients that looks epic on camera and in person. I love my job and
respect my skills as an artist. It has always been the photographers job to take amazing photos with correct lighting, and editing only to take away the odd stray hair that showed up, or the odd wrinkle in an item of clothing. In the past, I wouldn't have been doing my job if my models needed editing, and the photographer wouldn't be doing their job if the photo was completely photoshopped to the point of changing the skin tone, eye shape, bust size or whatever on the model... it would have been super confusing as a casting agent and false advertising when a client books a model and realised she wasn't the person in the photos! Yet... here we are.
Speed ahead a few years... and the industry has changed. It has changed in a way that we are questioning the worth of people, their qualifications and knowledge because we have been tricked into thinking a photo is truth. Then questioning our own lifes, and creating a fantasy world to impress friends, family and people we've never met before! It's all a bit odd isn't it?
Everyone now can take a photo within a second, and anyone of any age can edit their own faces to beyond recognition. What use to be an amazing achievement in someones life like having a child, graduating or getting married, these are all quick swipes given the same attention as someones filtered selfie. How did we get here and not realise it?
After gaining my Life coaching qualification, I realised how I spoke to myself. I am more self aware and call myself out on my emotions on a daily basis, and work through them to find solutions. I realised how I was feeling the other day, attempting to take a photo of myself. I realised I'd taken 5-6 photos and was feeling like nothing was good enough, like I wasn't good enough to show the world this photo as a reflection of my true self. It wasn't that dramatic, but I noticed how average I felt about myself... a friend in the industry says she takes 70+ photos before posting one, which kind of blew my mind! I don't even think we took half that amount for a paid magazine cover!
So... I decided the next day to wear less makeup. We used to just take photos of ourselves literally living our best lives from a fuji camera or 1 shot polaroid when I was growing up, because we were actually living! Not taking narcissistic selfies to impress people who don't know the real us, then measuring our worth against it. My younger self would be so perplexed by this day and age... and I'm super concerned at the kidlets coming through have nothing to measure this way of life against.. the suicide rate stats on 'The social dilemma' for teen girls should have shocked me, but with social media manipulating my shock meter over the years... all I can think is 'these kids don't have a shit show,' especially with parents who are just as disillusioned by social media. Being a teen was hard enough without all this added stress and social bullying.
So after watching 'The social dilemma,' I decided to wear a lot less makeup. I always go quite natural anyway, and makeup is something I get paid to do well, but it was getting to the point where I felt I couldn't see my natural skin anymore. My ethos in business has always been 'look good feel good,' and I didn't feel either. My mission statement to my clients is 'I enhance natural beauty, not cover it up.' So I decided to get back to feeling like 'me.' Less makeup, natural non straightened hair, and I finally today when I went out, I felt the best i'd felt in a long time. I could 'see' me.
I went up the coast today and left my phone at home. I noticed the amount of times i'd think about getting it out of my bag to 'check it' and it wasn't there... so eventually forgot about it and enjoyed the day. No photos of my lunch either! And when I got home, I checked my phone for 15 minutes, put it on silent and haven't touched it since.
I realised the dopamine feeling of getting a message or feeling happy from a 'like' was pretty superficial, and I am not that person. I am growing consistently, and as a coach, woman, business owner and person I am prepared to be the person I want to be, and not feel like a slave to social media. I am using this movie as a catalyst to change and connect more to create good experiences.
I hope this rant has resonated with some of you, and maybe next time you meet a friend for dinner, you can have a conversation without bringing your phone as a 3rd party.. or aim to check your phone 3 times a day instead of on and off for 3 hours.
Whatever works for you... but lets not be an anti social slave to the social..
I am super excited to launch my Life Designer NZ Website!
I have been posting a few nuggets on the @lifedesignernz instagram page, and facebook page and will endeavour to bring you more inspirational words of wis'dom and content from here on out on this forum as well.
If you, and or someone you know needs my help, please enquire within!
Lots of love,